I am shallow.
I just realise that. Or perhaps more rightly i should say, i have just stated outright that i am shallow.
I have a perverse need to appear philosophical. I enjoy philosophy. But i am always worried that it would make me appear pretentious. And that in itself is pretentious and hypocritical. I want to be unique. Though i might not be, i would suffer gladly under the delusion that i am.

One thing that i am always proud of is the fact that i am self-aware to some degree. I am an outwardly optimist who is inwardly a pessimist who continually worries that she is a closet optimist. And so the cycle goes on and on. The deeper the hole i dig.

All the thoughts i have put down here would not accomplish anything. Writing them down would not give me an answer or solutions to my questions. They would not clarify and help me make sense of myself just because now they are put down in black and white. Because i am aware that no matter how "truthful" i try to be, i will still subconsciously delude myself in one way or another. So all these are just an exercise in vanity.